Killerest

Reckoning

2007-06-24T04:26:19Z

It feels like I'm reaching my hand out into space, into nothingness. I should be doing something more.

This feels more like isolation than solitude.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeestroy.

Mother Superior Jump the Gun

2007-05-28T05:15:53Z

I browsed through some books at someone's house today and came across The Beatles Illustrated Lyrics. When I came home I took a butter knife out from the drawer, dipped it in some Beatle juice, and slathered it all over this entry.

Hey Jude

Hey jude, dont make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, dont be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, dont let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
Youre waiting for someone to perform with.
And dont you know that its just you, hey jude, youll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, dont make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then youll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude...

Happiness is a Warm Gun

She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do- oh yeah!
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane

The man in the crowd with the multicoloured mirrors
On his hobnail boots
Lying with his eyes while his hands are busy
Working overtime
A soap impression of his wife which he ate
And donated to the National Trust

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun
Mother Superior jumped the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
Happiness is a warm gun, momma
When I hold you in my arms
And I feel my finger on your trigger
I know nobody can do me no harm
Because happiness is a warm gun, momma
Happiness is a warm gun
-Yes it is.
Happiness is a warm, yes it is...
Gun!
Well don't ya know that happiness is a warm gun, momma?

Getting Better

It's getting better all the time
I used to get mad at my school
The teachers who taught me weren't cool
You're holding me down, turning me round
Filling me up with your rules.

I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
I have to admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine.

Me used to be a angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word
I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can.
I've got to admit it's getting better
I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can.

I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
Yes I admit it's getting better
It's getting better since you've been mine

There's a bunch more I'll add later on. For now, here's my favorite song.

In My Life

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Skimming the fat

2007-05-19T00:39:07Z

Frankly, I liked my old high school blog better than this one. This blog is kind of overly personal since it's laden with a bunch of ambiguities no one but know what they're talking about. It's also lacking in visuals. Most importantly, it's been affected by my almost nonexistent opinion. I'm kind of in the doldrums feeling out where I stand with almost everything. I feel extremely inexperienced in almost all areas in my life, but I guess there's some Socratic wisdom in knowing that I don't know much. Actually, shouldn't call it wisdom since I have yet to utilize being aware that I don't know much that's worth while.

Intui II

2007-05-09T22:25:23Z

Opportunities don't always look pretty, but I think this is what I've been asking for.

I'll see how much I'll have in the bank by the end of July, and then I'll make the decision.

Super Late Post

2007-04-07T02:20:46Z

There is nothing like covering songs over Irish oats.

And seeing The Mars Volta, for free.

Having those two experiences under my belt made wisdom teeth recovery more bearable.

A calculus test looms over the horizon. April 12th, to be exact. I also have a history test that's nothing but essay questions on the 16th.

It's amazing how fast one month goes by.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming, I suppose.

Like that

2007-03-31T05:08:31Z

Awkward Turtle

2007-03-24T01:45:01Z

I like music that doesn't always offer instant gratification.
No one wants to talk art.
I don't have a 4.0.
If I call someone I haven't seen/spoken to in a while they might think I'm weird.
I have a muffin top.
I have no ass.
I'm not attractive enough.
I'm not outgoing enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm too smart.
My parents won't let me.
I don't know what my passion is yet.
Too young.
Too old.
Too strange.
Too ordinary.
What if I become and stay poor?
It's being fake.
It's being blunt.
I can't relate.
Lacking in personality.
Excess of personality.
Undeveloped personality.
I'm scared.

- will not pass. No Excuses.

Lately I've been sounding kind of stupid in conversations. Really stupid. As in, I either scroll up the bar of an IM or hang up the phone and just realize the sheer lack of articulation, as in not even sounding like an average person who can reason things out.

I need

2007-03-16T23:39:47Z

... to start writing with a purpose.

Where do I start?

Woohoo!

2007-03-09T23:49:27Z

I have my license now. Next mission: get a job (preferrably with commission, at a desk, or at Trader Joe's) to get my own car.

Mind Bender

2007-03-08T01:32:18Z

So it's been a little more than a day since I woke up to find my mom apologizing to me and revealing to me that she agonizes over making sure her children don't go to hell. She told me this in a loving, motherly voice that didn't match the gravity of what she was talking about. My mom then put a cross which she had my name engraved, along with the a portrait of the Divine Mercy Jesus on the wall near my bed. This morning, I didn't know what to make of that.

Kind of ironic, since I found myself looking up both the literal and idiomatic translations of The Mars Volta's "Asilos Magdalena" and ended up looking up what Cedric and Omar had to say about the religious theme shrouding Amputecture after talking about the Berkeley show with Mark last night.

"This album's a commentary about the fear of God instead of the love of God, which goes hand-in-hand with Catholicism," he said. "To me, religion is the reason there is so much conflict in this world, and I think it's just so unnecessary to believe in this blue-eyed, white-bearded, white-haired God. Amputechture is my personal way of describing enlightenment, or just the celebration of this person who is a shaman and not a crazy person. It's about the pineal gland and how it has certain elements that mimic a DMT experience, and how we can come up with cures for cancer and AIDS if we're more in tune with what's going on in the rainforest."

- Mars Volta's Amputechture Inspired By Immigrant Marches, Possessed Nuns (07/25/06, Chris Harris)

Fear of God instead of the love of God.

Disheartening, a bit, looking back on what she said.

Even more ironically, I think I echoed similar sentiments on my senior project, which was a group documentary on the place that God/spirituality has in the lives of young people today. My teachers last year were so compelled by the movie, I'm being flown all expenses paid on Sunday to present it in San Diego. Watch all this Mars Volta business wander into my presentation...

Un-Seriousity
" in finland some outdoor paytoilets have those.. but if you get some .. amm .. "solid" waste on it.. it just smears it on the whole seat ring ;)" (comment on youtube)

I Need to Stop

2007-03-07T02:29:55Z

... this obssession with competing and compenssating for what I don't have. It's not making me any happier.

But I don't want to get too acclimated to settling, either.

Tabula Rasa

2007-03-05T19:42:24Z

God/Allah/the higher powers of the universe are calling me to reexamine the way I look at things. I was thinking about how my approach to life didn't fit how I'm living now. I need to let go of those plans I had meticulously mapped out for myself in high school and start from a blank slate.

I've been at DVC for almost half a semester already. It's not very likely I'll be returning to St. Mary's. I haven't failed anything. This is just starting over. Starting over to make sure the next place I'll go I'll be more open-minded, stronger, smarter, and ultimately happier. Its okay to go slow. Maybe this is better for me, this slow approach. If you think about it, rushing to be "ahead" or "on time" with school, is really jockeying for stability when we leave the university. Stability and maturity don't always come together. My school or degree are only a small facet of how I will (not) choose to make my living - they don't define who I am. Graduating in four years will not make me happy. I need time to explore what I couldn't before. I need time because some things can only be learned through trial and error. I need time to repair my relationship with my family.

I've still got a lot of growing up to do. If I want to learn anything, I need to approach life like a child and let go of my preconceptions. Easier said than done, but like I said, I've got some time on my hands.

This morning, I also evaluated my thoughts toward growing up in Catholicism. I don't think I should automatically abandon all Catholic teachings in my desire to explore other religions and spiritual paths. It looks like most religions converge toward the same idea of "God" in spite of disagreeing over how to worship/acknowledge/interact with him/her. I read some tidbits about Gandhi and I was reminded of how no religion is perfect (e.g. - Hinduism and its caste system; Christianity marking GLBTQ, divorced, cohabitating with a stigma of "sinfulness"). I want to take part in the (oft-criticized) spiritual "buffet". I should feel no need to fit the idea of a "true" follower of (insert religion here) if it gets in the way of communicating with the higher power.

This is What He was Talking About

2007-02-28T18:23:21Z

By "he" I mean Mr. Randy Depew.

He lent me a book on screenwriting I've still yet to crack open, and urged me to keep writing my own material on the side even when academic writing assignments get heavy. He told me I should write with vigor so that my natural writing style may not be drowned out completely in an effort to meet the demands of school.

I know this sounds diametrically opposed to the notion I should write a little more freely, loosely in order to find my writing style again, but I'm going to do some writing exercises on this thing. Expect initial bouts of cheesiness.

f;LWKEJ'as'das?kojefa;

2007-02-26T05:27:10Z

Freefall.

I have my first history test tomorrow.

Yay me.

I have to wake up early to give my teacher my testing papers.

This stuff in my head is good for academia, but it stifles my creativity a little bit.

Writer's blockkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

[crackling noise]

My license test is on March 9th.

If all the crazy people can pass the test, then so can I.

It ends with me

2006-09-14T18:28:43Z

O Great Spirit
Make me wise, so that I understand
The things you have taught my people
Let me learn the lesson you have hidden
In every leaf and rock
I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother
But to fight against my greatest enemy - myself

- Native American Prayer